


Soothe the Burning in My Veins

by No_Day_But_Today



Category: Westworld (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Burns, Depression, Description of Injuries, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family Drama, Family Issues, Heat Stroke, Medical Procedures, Memory Loss, Missing Scene, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Rivalry, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2019-06-17 14:50:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15463794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/No_Day_But_Today/pseuds/No_Day_But_Today
Summary: Logan never asked to be a junkie. He never asked to be a disappointment - a burden, the family secret, the pariah, the outcast. He never asked for any of this to happen, but he can trace all of his failures right back to one moment in time - when he decided to take his fucking soon-to-be-brother-in-law to the park.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------What happened to Logan after that fateful trip to Westworld? What happens in those years between the park and his fathers retirement? Before his family rejects him?





	1. Chapter 1

_ It was so hot. He could feel the sun burning his skin. Feel blisters rising, the skin peeling. His feet felt raw, like he had been walking on shards of glass. He knew he was bleeding, he could see the trail of red he was leaving behind. He didn’t know how much longer he could keep going. After Billy - William - tied him to that horse and sent him off, left him to his death, he had lost all sense of direction. Even if he wasn’t slowly slipping into heat stroke he wouldn’t know where he was. There was nothing but miles of desert as far as the eye can see, and no one in sight. He had never been this far into the park. Hell, as far as he knew no one had been out this far before, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. It  _ hurt  _ to much to think of anything but the pain. His skin felt like it was being sandpapered off. Like he was walking across hot coals. Like every nerve ending in his body was burning. He was on fire. _

 

_._ _._ _._

 

He didn’t remember leaving the park. He didn’t remember being found - broken, bleeding, naked - in the middle of the desert, alone. He didn’t remember anything.

 

. . .

 

Beeping was the first thing Logan became aware of. A soft, distant, rhythmic beeping. Then came the pain. Duller, this time, but awful nonetheless. He made a sound of pain, but all that came out was a soft hiss. His throat felt so raw, like he’d been gargling gravel. He tried to swallow, but instead his throat spasmed and he threw himself into a coughing fit. An incredibly painful coughing spasm. He felt someone grab his shoulder, could tell they were saying something to him, but he couldn’t make anything out over the ringing in his ears and the tears in his eyes. Eventually, he felt someone press a glass of water against his lips and he gulped down as much of it as he could before it was pulled away.

“Careful, you don’t want to choke.” Logan blinked the tears from his eyes and tried to catch his breath. He slowly looked up, almost dreading who - or what - he would find at his bedside. In a stroke of luck, he found Juliet - not William, not his father, not some fucking host - sweet, kind Juliet. She offered him the water again and he tried to drink it with a bit more restraint than before. He pulled away fairly quickly, his stomach unable to handle much water. He felt nauseous, his stomach full, yet his mind still screamed at him to drink more. 

“That better?” He cleared his throat and swallowed, this time without any coughing fits.

“Yes, thank you…” They quickly fell into silence, neither one knowing what to say. Slowly, Logan felt his pain coming back full-force. His muscles went rigid and he closed his eyes, breathing through his nose to keep himself from vomiting. His breathing became more labored, his heart beating faster.

“Logan?” He didn’t respond, he didn’t trust his ability to speak at the moment.

“Logan, what’s wrong? Are you in pain?” He only managed a weak whine, unable to force any other sound through his clenched teeth. 

“Okay, okay. I’m going to go get a nurse okay?” He couldn’t manage a sound, the pain was too much. He felt every millimeter of burned skin, of damaged nerve ending, or broken blisters, of scrapes, cuts, and bruises. He felt nothing else but pain, felt no other senseation than pain. He couldn’t even hear the rapid beeping that was filling the room. Didn’t notice the hands at his IV line. Didn’t notice the screams of his sister, calling for help.

 

. . .

 

Once again, Logan was roused by the steady beeping of the various monitors in his room. However, this time, the pain was much more manageable. He could move without feeling like his skin was cracking and chipping off. He raised his hands to rub at his eyes, but was surprised to find plastic tubing on his face. He gently prodded at it, realizing that it was a cannula. He had a cannula. Was he in a hospital? He saw something attached to his hand out of the corner of his eye. He looked, only to find an IV inserted into his hand. He followed the line to the cluster of IV bags hanging above his bed. He was definitely in a hospital. Gently, slowly, he lifted himself up into a seated position.

He surveyed his surroundings, trying to get a sense of where he was, or how long he had been there. The room was nondescript - simply a white room, with a white bed, with white sheets, and white machines. He could be in literally any hopital anywhere in the world. So that was no help. It was dark. The only light coming from the monitors and the lights in the hall. So it had to be night. But that wasn’t really helpful if he didn’t know what hemisphere he was on. As he was taking in his surroundings, he was startled to find Juliet curled up in a chair, next to his bed. She had stayed. For him. She had stayed all night, well, at least one night. 

He felt tears start to well up. She had stayed here, for him. She was the only one who had come to see him. The only one who cared enough to come see if he was dead or not. He never thought that she would do that. They had never had the best relationship. They always seemed distant or… strained. She’d always been the golden child - smart, athletic, kind, rational - and he had resented her for that. She resented him for capturing most of Dad’s attention - whether that be positive or negative attention - and for being seen as the ‘more legitimate’ heir to the company. They always had what the other wanted, and it caused a rather large rift between them. And yet, here she was. Worrying over him in the hospital.

Suddenly, Juliet shifted in her chair, her blanket slipping off her shoulders. He felt a sudden need to thank her, or show his gratitude in some way. But, for now, he settled for fixing her blanket. As he settled the blanket back up on her shoulders, Juliet blinked awake.

“Logan… you’re awake…” He smiled weakly at her.

“Yeah, I am… thank for, uh, for staying here with me…” She sat upwards and grasped his hand, careful to not hit his IV.

“Logan, I wouldn’t leave you here alone. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I guess…” He fell silent, not knowing what to say. They sat there in awkward silence until Juliet answered an unspoken question.

“You were out for almost a week. The doctors said they didn’t know if you’d wake up…”

“How long have I been out since I first woke up?”

“You woke up yesterday afternoon… Scared me half to death when you doubled over.”

“I don’t remember much of it, but I remember the pain…”

“They put you on a morphine drip to help with that. So you shouldn’t be in too much pain from now on.” He nodded, half listening to her.

“Where are we?”

“Hong Kong. You’re in the burn unit. They said you had 3rd degree burns all over your body. You’ve been to Westworld before and nothing like this has ever happened before. What happened back there, Logan?”


	2. Chapter 2

Logan felt his blood run cold. She asks that like it’s an easy question to answer.

“Logan? What happened?”

He feels his ears begin to ring and his heart start to race. He didn’t want to think about this. He didn’t want to remember what happened. He didn’t want to remember the heat. Didn’t want to remember the pain. The feeling of a knife slicing through muscle, the feeling of skin blistering, of ropes cutting into raw flesh, leather scraping away skin, of…

‘No, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, don’t think about it, don’t remember, don’t, don’t don’t, don’t’

“Logan? Logan? Are you okay? Lo-“ the ringing starts to drown out everything. The beeping, the voices, all of it fading away. His vision started to fuzz around the edges, slowly turning the world grey. He feels hands grab him, and he panics.

‘No, no, no, get off, get off, it hurts, stop, please stop’

He starts to fight back, flailing blindly against the hands trying to push him down. They grabbed his arms and legs, pinning him to the bed. He couldn’t twist out of their grasp, couldn’t get free. He felt a sharp prick and the world finally went black.

* * *

 

Logan dreams of nothing. For what felt like a fleeting moment, the world was blissfully, utterly silent. For a moment, he forgot where he was, forgot why he was here. Until the memories started flooding back in.

_“What happened back there, Logan?”_

_“Edge of the park. We made it.”_

_“Your fucking broken!”_

_“This place seduces everyone eventually.”_

_“I think your father’s gonna need someone a little more stable to take over.”_

_“You are so fucked.”_

_“Don’t call me Billy.”_

 

He feels his heartbeat spike and his breathing become shallow. The panic starts to set back in when a pair of hands touches his arm. He jerks away, terrified that they’ll hold him down, trap him, like they did before. He tries to scooch away, curl up on the farthest side of the bed, against the railing, but the hands grab his face, forcing him to look their owner in the eye. He squeezed his eyes closed, refusing to look at his new captor.

“Logan! Logan! You need to calm down! It’s okay! It’s okay, I’m here! I’m here, Logan!” His eyes snap open to find his sister’s soft, brown eyes staring at him anxiously.

“…Juliet?”

“It’s me, Logan. I’m here, it’s okay.”

“What…” He looked around, once again taking in the sight of his generic hospital room.

“What happened?” Juliet sat back down, heaving a sigh.

“You had a panic attack. The nurses had to sedate you, you’ve been out for a while.”

“Oh…” A panic attack. Huh. That’s… not what he expected. Passed out, sure, but had a panic attack? That was definitely out of character for him. He sat in silence for a few moments, contemplating this strange turn of events, when Juliet finally broke the silence.

“Logan… Seriously… What happened out there?” He once again starts to feel the familiar tingle of panic spread through his body. The heart monitor starts to beep faster and faster. He feels himself inching closer and closer to a full-blown panic attack. He squeezes his eyes shut, willing away any reminder of his time inside the park.

“Mm-mm. No. Don’t want to talk about it. Don’t want to think about it.” He shakes his head, as if trying to dislodge those unpleasant memories.

“Logan…” He shook his head harder, balling his hands into fists.

“No. Don’t want to. Can’t.” He hears Juliet sigh and feels a twinge of guilt. She deserved an explanation. But he couldn’t find it in himself to give her one.

“Okay, Logan. Just rest, okay?” He nodded, to upset with himself to speak. They fell into a rather awkward silence – watching each other out of the corners of their eyes, neither one willing to break the silence. Logan quickly began to slip into sleep, exhaustion seeping in after the adrenaline faded away. He feels a blanket settle over him and a hand push stray hairs out of his face before he falls completely into unconsciousness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: This chapter has some discussion of extensive scarring and has negative reactions towards the scarring
> 
> Also! Sorry this took so long, I was in my last semester so I was pretty busy. But now, ya girl has her Bachelor's Degree so I'll hopefully have more time to write! Enjoy!

Logan didn’t really know how long he’d been in this hospital room. The days blur together when you only have four blank, white walls to stare at. He’d been through surgery after surgery, treatment after treatment, appointment after appointment. He couldn’t wait to get out of this god-forsaken hospital. Logan slowly pulled himself up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. His joints screamed in protest, stiff from disuse. One of the nurses grabbed his elbow, but he shook her off.

“I can do it myself.”

“Are you sure, hun?” Logan grit his teeth, seething at the pet name.

“Yes. I’m fine.”

“Okay, hun, I’ll be right here if you need me.” Logan practically growled, clenching his hands into fists. He wasn’t a goddam child, he could get out of bed on his own. He reached out his hands and gripped onto the walker in front of him. God, he hated that fucking walker. He’s 32 for fuck’s sake, a grown man. He shouldn’t need a goddam walker to go to the fucking bathroom.

He clenches his jaw and takes a deep breath. Getting to a standing position was always the worst part. Slowly, he managed to pull himself onto his feet, practically panting with the effort. He braced himself on the walker and tentatively stepped forward. He could feel the muscle fibers in his thighs burning from the effort of holding up his bodyweight. He’d only taken a few steps forward when his knees gave out, sending him tumbling to the floor. The nurse grabbed onto his elbow, keeping him from faceplanting on the hospital floor.

“Whoops. Here, lets get you back up again.” She carefully pulled him to his feet, holding onto his elbow until he was in the bathroom. Logan felt the hot prick of tears in his eyes. How much more fucking humiliating could this experience get? He blinked rapidly, trying to clear the tears from his eyes. The only thing that could make this worse would be if he started crying.

“Okay, hun. Here’s your clothes. I’ll leave you to get dressed and everything and then we’ll get you discharged.” She closed the door and Logan slumped down onto the toilet. He was panting and sweaty, and all from walking a few fucking feet. He hated this. Hated feeling weak. Hated _being_ weak. He sat there, hunched over fighting back tears. He’d never felt this helpless, this… vulnerable before. Not even when he was – fuck no he couldn’t think about that right now. Not here, not now, not ever.

Logan took a deep breath and scrubbed at his face. He could do this. He’s a grown man, he doesn’t need help getting dressed. He braced himself on the walker and pulled himself to his feet. He shuffled over the lean on the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. God, he looked like shit. He weighed probably 25 pounds less than he normally did, pale from lack of sunlight. Then there were the scars. Ugly, red, raised scars across his shoulders, back, and legs. Scientists could make robots that passed for humans, but they couldn’t fucking figure out how to regrow human skin. Fucking skin grafts. He quickly, or as quickly as he could, pulled the black t-shirt Juliet had brought him over his head. He didn’t want to have to look at his skin any longer. He hobbled his way back over to the toilet, there was no way in hell he could put his pants on while standing up.

Getting dressed took longer than Logan had though it would take, but he was dressed. He grit his teeth again, bracing himself to stand back up. God, he hated how much effort it took to stand up.

He took a moment to stare at his reflection in the mirror once more, eyes gauging just how much he’d changed in the past, month? Month _s_? He looked so different. He was too thin, eyes sunken back into their sockets, collar bone sticking out above the collar of his shirt. Too pale. He almost looked like a ghost in these harsh hospital lighting. He might as well have been, a ghost of his former self. You could just barely see the scars that wrapped around his shoulders, near his throat. He gently tugged the collar, trying to adjust it in some way to hide them, but it was in vain. The scars were too high, too big. They covered too much of him to be hidden completely. Logan slammed his fist down onto the sink, annoyed. He’d have to wear high necklines for the rest of his goddamn life because of this. Because of…

“You okay in there, hun?” The nurse nurse’s knocking pulled Logan from his thoughts, startling him. God, he hated this place. He couldn’t wait to go back home were he’d be able to take a piss in peace. He wrenched open the bathroom door hard enough to make it bounce off the wall, making the nurse jump, but he didn’t care.

“I’m fucking fine, just get me out of here.” He started to shuffle towards the door when the nurse stopped him.

“Actually, hun, we’re gonna wheel you out.” She gestured towards a wheelchair that someone had brought in while he was in the bathroom, and Logan saw red.

“Hell no! I’m a grown man, I can walk out of the fucking hospital on my own! I’m not going to be wheeled out like some goddamn child, I can –”

“Hun, hun, it’s hospital policy, everyone’s gotta get wheeled out to –”

“No! I’m not going to –”

“Hun, if you don’t calm down, we’re going to have to sedate you, you can’t get all riled up like this, it’s not good for you.” Logan started to bite back, but stopped himself. He wanted out of this fucking hospital as quick as possible, and that meant letting some bitch nurse wheel him out in a wheelchair, then so be it.

“Fine.” He shuffled over to the chair, glaring at it as if that would make it go away. He turned to sit down and the nurse grabbed his elbow again. He shook her off, seething.

“I can do it myself.” Logan sat down, a little harder than intended, but he did it on his own. The nurse tried to chat as she wheeled him through a maze of identical hallways, but he ignored her. He wasn’t interested in small talk, he was only interested in getting out of this hell hole.

After what felt like the 10th elevator ride of the trip, the nurse finally rolled him out into the lobby. He wondered who would be there. Couldn’t imagine that his father would show up, he wasn’t worth that much. Logan hoped _he_ wouldn’t show up. Didn’t think he could handle that right now. He heard someone call his name before he suddenly had a lap full of little sister.

“Logan! I’ve missed you!” He found himself smiling for the first time in months as he wrapped his arms around Juliet.

“Missed you too, Jules.” She pulled away before offering her hands.

“Come on, let’s get you home.”


End file.
